The Author Of ‘fifty Shades Of Grey’ Gets Everything Wrong About Bdsm, According To A Sex Expert

The letters “BDSM” conjure up images of Rihanna belting out a song about whips and chains or Christian Grey saying “Laters, baby” in Fifty Shades of Grey, right? While the BDSM community may not be a fan of the Fifty Shades of Grey film series, it can’t be denied that the show has brought attention to the kink. However, what exactly is BDSM?

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism, all of which are types of abuse. Consenting participants engage in a sexual power exchange during the procedure. Sex, according to BDSM, provides a psychological high in addition to a pleasurable physical experience.

When having kinky sex, be sure to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Couples should talk about what they’re willing to put up with, as well as what turns them on. Before turning up the heat, they might even choose a safe word.

Lola Jean, a sex educator, instructor, and coach, says aftercare is just as critical. It helps both partners recover from a sexual encounter by making them feel valued and cared for. Couples’ desires and needs will influence how this looks. If you’re into cuddling, go ahead. If you’re into talking about how each person felt during sex, go ahead. One size does not fit all when it comes to BDSM. Everyone has different wants and needs.

Jean debunks three common misconceptions about BDSM and offers advice for those just getting started. What she had to say is captured in the following statement.

The BDSM is solely focused on treating pain

This is a complete and utter myth. A common misconception about behavior-driven social manipulation is that it implies harming other people. This isn’t always the case, however. “While BDSM isn’t always sweet, fulfilling, and creative, it’s capable of being all of those things. Most people don’t take into account the amount of effort, understanding, and accountability that comes with either being a dominant or being a submissive.”

As long as the relationship is healthy according to the BDSM, all partners are trying to please the other. If the impact is unwanted and nonconsensual, then Jean says that physical abuse is more than just painful. Dom-sub relationships are built on satisfying your partner’s needs, giving them pleasure while you’re together, and communicating frequently to make sure you’re both happy. Following-up care is crucial for this reason alone. For a relationship to be successful, all partners must feel safe and cared for, as well as understand and respect each other’s sexual interests and preferences.

The first step in using BDSM in the bedroom is to communicate with your partner, says sex expert and founder of Booty Parlor Dana Myers. If you’re willing to try something new, talk about who will play the dominant and submissive roles and what will be too far outside of your comfort zone. Having this discussion will improve your relationship’s communication, intimacy, and trust, allowing you to let go of your inhibitions and try out some sex-play that’s a little sexier.

Dominant partner is always in charge

On the surface, it appears that way, but that’s not the case. As Jean points out, “Many people assume that a dominant always makes demands and orders.” “Once the dynamic is established and there is understanding, yes, this is possible. In a relationship with a power dynamic, trust must be built to a great extent. Even if the submissive is ‘compelled,’ she should do so of her own free will. Safe words and ways out should be available at all times.”

Subs have the final say in when the action begins and ends and how intense the session becomes in a healthy BDSM relationship. Selective mechanisms, such as safe words, give the submissive agency and control.

McKenna Maness, a sex educator and former education and prevention coordinator at The Santa Cruz AIDS Project (SCAP), previously told Elite Daily that “a safe word is a word selected by sexual partners together that, when used, indicates one partner would like to pause sexual activity for any reason.” “Roleplaying has crossed into something less desirable for that person, or sex has gotten too intense, or the partner is physically uncomfortable or in more pain than they would like to be. Whenever one partner wants to stop, they can use their safe word to let the other partner know it’s time to check-in and come to a halt right away.”

Three myths about the behavior-based stress management (BDSM) movement:

Misrepresentation in films and television is one of the most difficult issues the BDSM community faces today. There are numerous ways to ease into kink while still maintaining the BDSM look and feel.

The last thing you want is to be caught off guard by an unexpected situation or phrase. Make sure it doesn’t depend on luck; instead, use this opportunity to see what you like and don’t like before making a commitment.”

BDSM also focuses on pushing yourself to your limits rather than crossing them. Your comfort, consent, and pleasure are critical in all forms of sexual activity. “What do you hope to get out of this BDSM partnership? Is this something you always do? Do you both understand each other’s intentions and boundaries? Before and after the play or scenes, have you communicated your needs to the actors or the director? “Jean has some advice for you. “Before you jump into a power dynamic relationship, think about a lot of things. It’s intoxicating to have control, or to have no control at all.”

Participation in any sexual activity requires active consent, as it always has. Before starting anything, talk about your intentions and boundaries with your partner (s). “The foundation of BDSM is built on the principle of informed consent. If you skip the consent discussion, you run the risk of hurting others and yourself, says erotic educator and coach Dawn Serra.

Whether you’re interested in kink, BDSM for the first time, or have a go-to safe word, exploring the realm of pain and pleasure can be both seductive and healthy. There’s nothing wrong with experimenting as a sub or dom as long as all partners are on the same page and willing and able to provide their active consent.

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